Callander Grapples

[Intro]
Local bulletin, northern edition:
Kal-and-Er faces a whiskered condition

[Verse 1]
Kal-and-Er grapples with a growing stray and feral cat population
That means two-handed wrestling, not a figure of imagination.
A tomcat took the doorway, a queen cat took the chair,
We learned the local headline had claws and plenty to spare.

[Pre-Chorus 1]
The neighbours took a collar, the clerk took a stance,
Animal Control came ready for a municipal dance.
Retirees formed a circle, councillors joined the fray,
Volunteers yelled, “Hold that cat!”—the cat declined to stay.

[Chorus]
Kal-and-Er grapples with a growing stray and feral cat population
Nobody asked what grapples meant, so now we’re learning the hard way.
Kal-and-Er grapples with a growing stray and feral cat population
Nobody asked what grapples meant, so now we’re learning the hard way.

[Verse 2]
At nine o’clock, the paper said the numbers had increased,
By noon, the town had called a meeting, solemn, brief, and leased.
The minutes noted a humane plan, approved without objection:
Kal-and-Er chose grappling as the official first response in the section

[Pre-Chorus 2]
Oven mitts for PPE, humane traps beside the chairs,
A tabby slipped a headlock while a half nelson went nowhere.
The cats countered every move; one councillor checked the book,
In a Northern Ontario parking lot, the arena had a look.

[Chorus]
Kal-and-Er grapples with a growing stray and feral cat population
Nobody asked what grapples meant, so now we’re learning the hard way.
Kal-and-Er grapples with a growing stray and feral cat population
Nobody asked what grapples meant, so now we’re learning the hard way.

[Breakdown]
The tabby’s off the ropes!
That Siamese has reversed it!
Oh god, that’s Animal Control’s music!
A volunteer goes sprawling by the folding-chair brigade,
The banjo calls the takedown; the fiddle files the aid.

[Verse 3]
No cats were harmed, the notice said; they left with every toe,
While every human hit the ground in administrative woe.
The whiskers stayed immaculate, the wrestlers lost the bout,
A population problem, yes—the people were outmatched.

[Bridge]
Risk assessment, final finding: cats possess superior agility,
Claws exceed the safety margin, with no respect for the rasslin’ matrix.
Further grappling is discouraged by the municipal review,
The animal knows the footwork; the town knows what not to do.

[Spoken]
Nah. Add Stomp-Claps.

[Finale]
Kal-and-Er grapples, stomp-clap, with a growing stray and feral cat population
Nobody asked what grapples meant, so now we’re learning the hard way.
Kal-and-Er grapples, stomp-clap, with a growing stray and feral cat population
Nobody asked what grapples meant, so now we’re learning the hard way.

[Outro]
Next time, the headline says addresses…
We’re addressing it!